taking a break from the scale

No worries, I’ll still be on-program, using the food and exercise journal. But I’m going to do a little experiment and stop weighing myself for awhile, then after a couple of weeks have passed, then I’ll weigh myself. Doing it every day is making me nuts, because my weight lately has fluctuated by a few pounds a DAY, and I can never tell what it is. Some days it gets as low as 149, some days as high as 154, and I’m confused. I know the scale doesn’t tell the whole story. I’ve been insanely GOOD with food, and working out religiously. My muscle tone has vastly improved, as has my endurance and stamina. So I don’t understand why the scale is so up and down. I think I just over analyze it and freak out too much, which is not good for the ole’ sanity. Therefore, I am going to just record my weight maybe biweekly, or even monthly, but still adhere to my nutrition and exercise plan. Then we’ll see what happens.

Does cleaning count as a workout? I vote, “yes!”

So I’m a 20-something living with a 30-something roommate, and we live on nearly opposite sleep schedules. Both of us are frankly a bit lax with the other one when it comes to cleaning, especially as neither one of us is a neat freak. Personally, uber-clean houses that don’t even look lived-in are uninviting and uncomfortable. I also feel like there’s a huge difference between dirty and cluttered. I have seen dirty houses, and mine ain’t it. It’s just prone to clutter mostly, and a tendency to put off doing the dishes until there’s nothing left to cook with. Since neither one of us eats out very much, someone will crack and do the dishes before it gets bad. Admittedly he’s willing to put up with more messes than I am, though. As a result of our collective complacency in this matter, I’m thinking today is a good day to do some deep cleaning and skip the gym. I have a day off today and a good window of about 8 hours before I have to fulfill an obligation later this afternoon. We’re usually pretty good about doing general, maintainence cleaning day to day in the kitchen and bathrooms, and keeping the pile of junk mail from forming by sticking it straight into the recycling, but it’s been a long time since the kitchen and bathrooms got a deep scrubbing. Also, my room is getting disorganized and less relaxing than I’d like it to be, and the living room could stand to be vacuumed as that’s been skipped for a couple weeks. I figure I’ll crank up some good music, roll up my sleeves, and have at it.

It may not be the best cardio, but it will burn calories. And it needs to be done, and I have the day off. So today, it counts as my workout. And I figure if I have time, I’ll get a walk in to get my heartrate going up for awhile. And don’t worry, when that housemate of mine gets up, he’s helping for sure. He helped make the mess, he can help clean it up…heh.

ooh, muskels!

I’ve recently started using a whey protein shake after working out, and I can tell it makes a huge difference. I’ve seen myself develop more muscle definition in the past few weeks than I did in months and months of exercising, even with weight-bearing exercise, before. I’m also starting to notice that the fat on my belly is dimpling into the shape of what abs will eventually look like, which is fun to see. I’m starting to be able to see parts of my bone structure I’ve never been able to see before (as an adult I mean). My arms have less flab and more of a “cut” look, although the fat on my triceps is stubbornly hanging on…from what I hear that fat takes forever to get rid of. All in all, my shape is more feminine as well – I have more of an hourglass curve to my body now than I ever did. My hips are defined as hips separate from my waist now. It’s neat. I also finally got down to 150 lbs. this week. My weight on the scale has been fluctuating a lot lately, and sometimes doesn’t move or sometimes will go back up by 3 lbs. one day, then back down the next. I’m thinking that the scale, now that I’m seriously building muscle, is going to be misleading a bit and I shouldn’t get too discouraged by it in the coming weeks. But I’m still sticking to the plan and exercising, and it seems to be working as far as building muscle, burning fat, and taking inches off. I keep forgetting to go buy a tape measure to measure myself as part of progress checking. The number on the scale doesn’t always tell the whole story. I think when the month is over I’ll take another round of progress pics as well, and this time get a friend to do them for me so they can be in better light and be easier to see (I wanna show off my muskels). Be forewarned that I don’t remove my armpit hair because anytime I do I get a nasty rash. I’d rather have hairy pits than a rash – I have pretty sensitive skin so I often choose not to shave to avoid rashes anyway. I’ve gotten some rather brash comments about it at the gym (ironically enough never by males but by other females…hmmm) so I wanted to put the disclaimer up now. For some reason, despite how far we’ve all come, people just can’t shut up about someone else’s choice about whether or not they choose to remove their body hair. Some dumb sorority girl even wrote a whole editorial about it in our student paper (which was embarrassing to say the least because there are way more important things to write about than someone you saw with hairy pits).

Breaking up with my fat

This may sound a bit silly, but sometimes I compare my fat to a jilted lover. I mean, think about it. I’ve had a relationship with my fat since I was a teenager. Due to the nature of my disordered eating and lack of control over my impulses, others came and went, but FAT always came back. And fat was so easy to blame all my problems on, little did I know that for many years I actually, deep down inside, always wanted the fat around as my scapegoat.

But now I don’t. I’m going to get all metaphorical here, so look out! Me and FAT are breaking up. But fat doesn’t like to leave. I move my jiggly ass at the gym, I go swimming for hours on end, I eat right, I watch how much and what I put in my body, I avoid the bad stuff, and fat is slowly but surely going away. But it’s having a hard time letting go of the past. I’m OVER the fat. I’m done. The relationship is over. But fat keeps hanging on, even in little bits. Slowly it’s accepting that I no longer want it around, but it’s being very tenacious in hanging on where it can. But fat hates exercise and healthy foods in the right proportions, so I figure it’ll go away the more I persist with the good lifestyle…heh

OK, dumb metaphor…but it’s MY dumb metaphor…lol

getting honest

My system of tracking food and exercise basically forces me to get honest with myself. There have been a few days when I decided I wanted to eat a little junk food, but I had to track it under a given food group, then later I had to go without the actual, real food that would have been more ideal for me to eat. For instance one day I decided I wanted some exotic, sugar-laden soda drink (sold at the health food store, but still full of sugar/calories). I counted it as a serving of carbohydrates. That meant that later in the day I got gypped on some quality carbohydrates that would have helped my body a lot better than the soda…but I figure if I don’t make it a habit it’s not a big deal, especially if I stay honest with myself.

One of my old habits of overeating was that I’d eat junk food, then later decide to eat health food too, meaning essentially that I had an extra meal. Health or junk, overeating is still overeating. Although these days I vastly prefer to just skip the junk most of the time and hold out for the real food, the stuff that will actually fuel my body and make me feel good. I consider my food journal an important “training” tool for myself, though, as it makes me more aware of what I put in my mouth. It also makes me stay aware of how different foods effect my feeling of wellness. I definitely feel a huge difference between eating healthy food and junk. People who claim they don’t feel a difference I feel are most likely unaware of how their body works, or have lost touch with nature completely and don’t really know any other way to feel except crappy and tired.

I also like to think about how the average American’s perception of what a serving size actually is can often be so skewed. I myself used to feel that I actually needed that much food, when all along I was completely overstuffing myself and overloading my body with stuff that it just didn’t need. When you eat a meal at a restaurant and finish the whole thing, odds are you just ate 2 meals and possibly a snack or two as well. Think about it, most restaurants that aren’t buffets bring you a basket of bread, chips, or other free item that makes you think you’re getting a “good deal.” Then they ask you if you want appetizers, and unless your entire table is watching their weight, at least a few people in your party will want to order some deep-fried appetizer that typically involves breading and cheese or something of that nature, usually dipped into some kind of ranch sauce (am I wrong?). Then, the meals come with side salads which they bring you after the appetizer, before the “main event.” The salad itself wouldn’t be such a bad thing if it didn’t have a bunch of cheese and fatty dressing glopped on top of it. Unless you take the care to ask for it on the side, your salad will be floating in a sea of dressing, making something usually healthy turn into a calorie disaster. I shit you not, I have seen nutrition facts for restaurants where the salad with dressing on it has more calories than the french fries!!! eeeeeep! Then, when all that’s over and you’ve already eaten what would normally be an actual meal, you get the actual meal, which has enough food for two meals. Some people eat out daily and eat like this on a regular basis.

I eat out with my parents once a week, and my youngest sister joins us when she’s home from college. When I first started working towards my health and fitness goals, my folks would see how little food I ordered by comparison to the “normal” amount (I’ve found I do best to order a la carte when I have the option, or just get one of the smaller appetizers and a salad with the dressing on the side) they would ask me if I was sure that was enough..heh. I remember one breakfast out with them too, where I ordered two scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of toast, and a fruit salad they had on the menu. Perfect breakfast, really, but they were so concerned that I’d be hungry later. It’s hard to train folks out of the mentality of eating for hunger that hasn’t happened yet…of course I’ll be hungry later, but I’d rather wait until I’m actually hungry to eat later and have a couple of healthy snacks to tide me over, instead of piling on a bunch of food for later when I’m not actually that hungry…for one my body just doesn’t work that way. If I eat a huge breakfast I’ll still get hungry at the same time anyway. My body seems to like eating every 4 to 6 hours. So why put in more calories than it needs? There have been a couple of times I’ve taken road trips with my parents to visit my sister at school, and my mom actually thought it was smart that I brought a couple of apples and bananas and a little bag of trail mix with me for the day. This is all common sense stuff that any nutritionist would tell you, but it’s so novel to a lot of people…heh. Also, I hate the whole “you’ll spoil your lunch/dinner with snacks” mentality. I find that if I have a few healthy snacks per day, I eat less at meals, and my entire calorie count for the day is less than people who eat 3 huge meals and no snacks. Eating for hunger you don’t already have sounds stupid to me.

mini-update

Haven’t written since last week, but I wanted to report that my system is working pretty well for me. It allows me to be flexible while still keeping me in check. I have lost a pound each week that I’ve been using it, so yay! Not much else to say, really, without being too redundant. Plus I have to go to work. So that’s all for now!

Weekly Assessment #1 is tonight!

I have to get through today On Program to have my first successful week of this new system I’ve set up for myself. I had many temptations throughout the week, but I managed to find a way to combat them all. I give a lot of credit to my system. Sometimes tracking and organization are so helpful! I felt satisfied all week with what I was eating and never felt too hungry or deprived. I stuck with my daily minimum of exercise that I shoot for, and went above and beyond on a few days. I also noticed that mid-week I’d lost about half a pound, then this morning when I weighed myself I was down 1 pound! Not to be TMI, but my Aunt Flo just came by for a visit today, which may effect my numbers next week due to fluctuating water weight, but it’s still very encouraging to see this week’s results. It’s so nice to have the help of my personalized system!

Sundays are a challenging day for me to stay On Program. I live in the same town as my Mom, Stepdad and one sister, and we have a standing Sunday night dinner date where we go out to eat. But I feel confident that I can get through the day with the help of my food/exercise journal. I’m about to go here in a few minutes for a nice workout, which will pump me up and give me some more confidence to face the temptations I’ll surely have (we usually hang out at their house beforehand and I’m often hungry before we get to the restaurant, and my mom’s candy dish is SO tempting, aaaaaaaaah!). So I’m going to face this day with confidence, knowing that I can handle it and make better choices, even if those around me are making choices that aren’t so healthy. Tonight, after all is said and done, I’ll be filling out my weekly assessment chart and making conclusions from my first week. Gotta stay positive about today’s temptations!

I want them to feel the positives, too.

I have fat relatives and friends. I’m sure we all do, given the scope of the obesity epidemic. It’s almost considered more “normal” to be overweight than it is to be healthy. I think sometimes when I speak of my own weight loss they often take it as me being preachy or telling them how they should live. I’ve been making more of a concerted effort to let that issue be when speaking with these folks (unless they bring it up or specifically ask my advice). But I want them all to know that it’s not that I think I’m any better than them for doing what I’m doing. I’m not here to make anyone’s choices for them. It’s simply because I want them to feel the same positive effects I’m feeling. I want those I love to feel the joyous release that often comes with losing pounds of fat that were once weighing you down. I think a lot of them think that weight loss’s effects are purely physical. But it’s amazing to me how the positives are mostly internal changes that have happened as a result. My life is still challenging, life never stops being challenging, but I have more power to deal with those challenges now and not completely fall apart with each one I face. I also have more ability to enjoy social situations, I have an easier time dealing with my emotions and not letting my emotions control me. I more easily let things go and roll off my back (although I’m not perfect by any stretch). It’s just easier to be a human when you don’t have a health problem like obesity getting in your way. I want those people I love to feel that way as well.

Another aspect of it is selfish, though. I like playing games and reading and other “sitting down” activities as much as anyone. But I find doing these things exclusively to be very boring. I like to alternate those things with physical activity. I find that a combination of both keeps my mind and body alive much better than just doing one or the other. The fat ones in my life pretty much only enjoy sedentary activity, and it sadly makes me want to hang out with them less because of their unwillingness to do anything active (hiking, camping, etc.). I only have so much free time that I can devote to socializing and I want it to be really FUN. That’s the selfish part for me, and part of the reason I don’t spend as much time with my fat friends and family. It doesn’t mean I love them any less than my more active friends, however. I just wish they’d get fit so they could join me! Also, exercise feels so good to me, I find it difficult to understand how anyone could hate it.

But I can’t really say much to these folks. The majority know they’re unhealthy, but feel powerless to change. I would love to be a helpful, positive, and loving resource of help for them. I thrive on helping others. But people have to really want change for themselves. I think most people have their reasons for wanting to hang on to excess fat. I certainly had mine, and it’s probably healthy for me to always bear that fact in mind when dealing with those in my life who have obesity.

To their credit, a few of my friends have started to make positive changes and get healthy. I always give them encouragement and kudos.

Why I can’t go back, and other little things I’ve come to…

Sometimes it helps keep me going to start a list of reasons why I’m doing this. Just now it popped into my mind instead of doing reasons why, do reasons why I don’t want to be fat, ever again.

1.) Pain. The pain I can still feel due to excess weight pulling down on my joints and overloading my muscles. I carry a lot of my weight on my abdomen, and I liken it to having a large, 30-odd pound bag of rice tied to me from the front. It used to be much, much worse, but right now it’s still at a point of pain that I don’t wish to tolerate for much longer, or ever again. I can really feel it at the end of the day in the aches and pains I have. They get better as I grow more resilient and more fit, but I can’t wait until that pain to be gone!

2.) Social awkwardness. It wasn’t just because I was fat and less attractive as a result. I could hardly handle social interactions at my heaviest. When a person is very heavy like I was, it’s easy to withdraw from others because entertaining people, and hanging out with people takes a lot of energy! I didn’t have much. Also, I was more grumpy and overly sensitive, always thinking people were judging me. That’s a good segueue into the next item…

3.) Emotional instability. I was not at peace with myself or the world when I was that big. It wasn’t just because of not feeling socially graceful, in fact that actually came from the emotional imbalance I constantly felt. I was physically taxed, and as a result I wasn’t able to control my emotions very well. I sort of acted petulant at times. I was also often petty and mean. Not always, there were times I could still be in a state of calm, but those times were rare. I know I was hard to be around when I was at that size…shit, I could hardly even live with MYSELF. Also, people who are very big have an abundance of estrogen, thus I was a hormonal, emotional wreck a lot of the time. Looking back, I may have been able to do a better job at controlling my emotions if I put a better effort into it…but then I think back to how I was feeling a large part of the time, and I don’t know if I really could have helped it. I succeeded in alienating a lot of people during that time, who’ve since even commented that I’m way more chilled out and fun to be around (and they’re quick to say, “not that you weren’t before…” in order to protect my feelings, heh). I never, ever want to be that person again!

4.) Clothes….this is a big one for most people. I don’t really need to go into it in depth because I think pretty much everyone knows that it’s way harder to find flattering clothes that aren’t really expensive when you’re in the uber-plus sizes like I was. Several frustrating hours in dressing rooms will now turn into minutes, and I like that thought.

5.) Eating in public or in front of others. You get far less scrutiny from wandering eyes if you’re eating out when you’re a more normal size than if you’re fat. Throw a fit about it all you want, but it’s true. I like the anonymity I already have from being much smaller than I was. I barely ever get that glance of “let’s check out what the fatty if shoveling down her hole!” anymore. It’s odd, you’d think most people wouldn’t want to watch a fat person eat. Ever since the “Lard Ass” scene in Stand By Me I’ve always had a hard time watching big people stuff their faces. It’s just me. So I usually don’t look. You’d be amazed at how many people do want to look. I chalk it up to natural, human curiosity and not so much malice…

6.) I really like having more ease in shaving my legs (when I feel like it), picking things up off the floor, seeing my feet, giving myself pedicures, tying my shoes, etc. I refuse to get to the point where my belly protrudes enough to block the view of my feet. [Although I should re-clarify that I never even plan on getting as big as I am NOW ever again!]

7.) Sex. I’ve been largely celebate for the last 2-odd years, but sex is way easier when you’re thinner. More fun, too. Not to get too graphic for all you folks out there, but I always hated just lying there doing while my ex tried his best to achieve penetration. Not fun for either party. I’ll just leave it at this: more flexibility and freedom of movement makes it way better.

8.) My inner thighs aren’t painfully rubbing together and chafing anymore. I like that, and I’d really like to keep it that way, forever.

9.) The double chin and cheek jowels. I have such a gorgeous jawline and cheekbones…this sounds totally vain (because it is), but I never want my fabulous facial features to go unnoticed, ever again!

10.) Mental clarity. As much as I hated to admit it when I was a land-whale, I had way less focus and mental clarity when I was bigger. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything for very long. One close friend I spend a lot of time with in particular told me that I would switch topics in conversation unusually often. I also had trouble maintaining focus on my college coursework at the time.

11.) Pride and self-respect. I wasn’t showing that I had any pride or self-respect by neglecting to take care of myself for so long.

12.) Desensitized taste buds. For a time it was about quantity instead of quality for my taste buds. I never disliked healthy food, but I had such a sweet tooth for so long that I know that the sweetness of a peach wasn’t enough for me compared to the sweetness of a hot fudge sundae. Now confections are usually a little too sweet – I can still enjoy them, I’m not gonna lie, but I can enjoy so much less of them because my taste buds are super sensitive to the sugar now. I also feel like I actually enjoy food more now that I’ve been watching my intake of it. I savor it more, I eat more slowly, I take my time with it, and eating is a much more enjoyable experience than it used to be! [Everyone thinks that watching your diet in order to maintain a healthy weight will take away enjoyment of food, but I think it teaches you to enjoy it more the way nature intended]

13.) Stairs and hills. Sick as this may sound to some, when I see a big hill or flight of stairs now, instead of groaning about the chore ahead, I say, “Bring it on!” It used to be so hard on me to climb some stairs or go up a big hill…not just stairs and hills, but most physical challenges I can see myself realistically rising to the challenge whereas a few years ago, my life was so limited by what my body was capable of. Not anymore! Being able to go more places and do more things than I used to is worth infinitely more than all the dark chocolate in the known universe to me.

Now that my listing exercise is done (although I’m sure as time goes on I may feel the need to add more) I want to elaborate just a bit on the last one, and add yet another segueue, because I ramble like that.

People who are just meeting me now, after the weight-loss I’ve experienced, do not usually know how big I was. They see me as someone who’s only moderately overweight as opposed to OBESE. I’m often offered treats that trigger bingeing in me by people who don’t know what I’ve been through with binge eating. I usually tend to be avoidant of these foods for the most part, but dream of the day I find true balance and can feel confident that one bite won’t lead me to binge-land (the apple slice with the tiny bit of chocolate on it yesterday was a good sign that I could be on the mend, because I didn’t want any sweet stuff after eating it and I stayed On Program).

Being able to be more physically active has helped with my social life. I’ve become friends with people in the last year or so who like to be active, and I’m enjoying renewed and more fun friendships with older friends who have always enjoyed activity, finding a new, cool thing we can do together. My hang-out dates with friends have gone from exclusively movie nights and dinner parties to more active things like hiking, cycling on trails, swimming, etc.

Another interesting observation I’ve had is that I am such a lightweight when it comes to my alcohol tolerance. It’s very rare that I do drink and actually get drunk, but I’ve noticed it’s a way easier thing to accomplish these days, and I actually do have to be really careful unless I want to be shitfaced after just 2 or 3 drinks!

A thing I’ve been thinking about of late is body dysmorphia. I know most people have it to some degree. It could vary from an absent-minded, see-yourself-in-the-mirror-everyday and don’t notice the changes thing to a very pathological and severe thing (like a person with anorexia might actually be malnourished and still see someone too fat in the mirror). When I made the active decision to lose weight, I never really thought I’d have any amount of body dysmorphia as my body was changing. I thought I would always be able to see the same things other people saw. I’ve come to find out that it takes me awhile to notice certain things. I also have days when I feel as fat as I used to feel. I rationally know I’m not, but I feel hugely obese again. Sometimes I don’t notice subtle things (like more defined hips, or collarbones becoming more visible) until I see a just-taken picture of myself. I think some people would freak out and think I’m the perfect candidate for anorexia, but please don’t. For one, anorexia usually doesn’t stem from someone who is simply trying to get healthy by achieving a normal weight – disorders like anorexia stem from more complex mental issues. Also, I plan on beginning a strength training regimen soon – a person needs to have a significant calorie intake to build muscle. In fact I must be honest with the fact that part of the reason I’d like to become more muscular is so I can get away with eating a little bit more…there, I said it But my own minor dysmorphia is a good thing to at least be aware of.

desserts…

I’ve always had quite the sweet tooth, but the kinds of desserts I appreciate more are the kind that a good friend described recently to be “mostly healthy, but with a few chocolate chips on top.” I have to agree. I tend to actually enjoy fruit-based confections more than just straight-up sugar-bombs. Yesterday I was hanging out at a cafe’ where a friend of mine works, and he was baking brownies. He tried to get me to eat what amounted to about half a cup of brownie batter. I told him I couldn’t do it, so he brought me out an apple slice with just a tiny amount (I’d say a teaspoon maybe) of the batter spread on it…that’s more like it! It was tasty, and thoughtful It was about time for one of my 3 small snacks I allow myself daily, so I charted it in my book as a snack. So I can still have a little bit of chocolate and stay On Program.

Another dessert I’d love to experiment with making would be a whole-grain strawberry shortcake. The “shortcake” of course being a healthed-up version of the “real deal” and the strawberries being left alone instead of sweetened with sugar…cause if you get good strawberries you don’t need the sugar! And instead of whipped cream, some Greek yogurt…mmmmmmm.